I wasn't adopted, but I grew up with similar coping strategies: I was very good at figuring out what people wanted me to be, and then pretending to be that. It took a very long time before I learned who my genuine self was, much less found the courage to show that self to others. In many ways, I still work on that. And I agree completely about friends: not everyone we are friendly with is a friend. A real friend is someone we can count on, who meets our emotional needs, and who both knows and likes are genuine self. And of course, that is what we give them in return, if we wish to truly be their friend. Relationships are work, but worth it, I think.
So, yes. I don't think you have to be adopted to have this particular issue, so I'm glad you said that! What you've said is absolutely right, especially "meeting our emotional needs." I think, for some reason, we are conditioned to believe that we don't have "emotional needs" or shouldn't have them with our friends, when to me that's probably what grounds a friendship, well, any relationship, really.
Even though our childhood experiences differ, I wish I had had the self-love, self-worth conversation with my mom. I wish I had had the conversation with my daughter. I suppose it’s not too late. I feel like I’m finally learning.
Love this post. I used to hold on to friends even when things had been off for years, out of guilt and misplaced loyalty. I've learned that endings have to happen to move us into expansion and alignment. Natural friendship changes about every seven years is accurate in my experience. I finally understand it's natural and nothing to fight against. No hard feelings, just freedom.
Thank you, Jennifer! Some of us hang onto friendships, like we do romantic relationships 🙃 so I get it! It’s all a lesson in balance, right? Like relationships are important, but not more important than self respect.
At the same time, there are people I have met online who truly feel like friends too, just on a different level. Perhaps I feel that way because I'm a product of the 60s :-)
This is a very thoughtful and beautiful post. I ask myself who the people are that I call friends, the ones I share secrets with, and they with me. Looking back, many of them are from my Cuban times or my early years in the US, though I have made a few real friends in the town where I live now. For me, real-life communication is very important. It may not happen right now, but it must have happened at some point...
So, I agree, and there seems to be something about those early friendships that stick. I think it’s because we’re in a pure space where we’re not pretending.
As far as online friendships, there are some people who feel more like friends than in real life friendships, and when I do meet them in person, it proves to be true.
I have almost no IRL friends left. Maybe the hard of hearing introverted hermit I've become (Consciously? Subconsciously?) has something to do with this. But every so often, I wonder what I'm missing. I think I'd like to have a meaningful conversation with someone about Stoicism sitting at a table sipping adult beverages and eating delicious tacos.
Also, who are you telling not to overthink things? 🤪♎⚖️
Another great post. Growing up, we were taught "family first" and having "friends" was discouraged for a number of reasons too lengthy to get into as a comment. 😁 Totally resonate with taking years to finally see that the lack of reciprocity, being the "convenient" friend and that continually enduring other's behaviours just because of so many years was only hurting me. Once I started cutting certain "friends" off, it became easier and easier. Quality over the quantity of years...no brainer.
Friendships can be tricky. Although it shouldn't be a tit for tat, reciprocation is important.
A friend may not exchange favors exactly in the same situation or expertise that you are willing to do for them, but eventually tell if a friendship is almost past expiration is when the excuses outweigh the favors by a landslide. Friendships are about connection, and favors are not something that I would put as a hard requirement, but what puts the nail in the coffin is when a friend gaslights you every time you express your emotions.
Beautiful post KE and one that resonates deeply. Thank you for this writing. "It is an inherent characteristic many adoptees share. We want to fit in. We want to belong, so we volunteer to be the bridge that folks walk over.” That is a powerful truth!
I wasn't adopted, but I grew up with similar coping strategies: I was very good at figuring out what people wanted me to be, and then pretending to be that. It took a very long time before I learned who my genuine self was, much less found the courage to show that self to others. In many ways, I still work on that. And I agree completely about friends: not everyone we are friendly with is a friend. A real friend is someone we can count on, who meets our emotional needs, and who both knows and likes are genuine self. And of course, that is what we give them in return, if we wish to truly be their friend. Relationships are work, but worth it, I think.
Annnnnnn!
So, yes. I don't think you have to be adopted to have this particular issue, so I'm glad you said that! What you've said is absolutely right, especially "meeting our emotional needs." I think, for some reason, we are conditioned to believe that we don't have "emotional needs" or shouldn't have them with our friends, when to me that's probably what grounds a friendship, well, any relationship, really.
Even though our childhood experiences differ, I wish I had had the self-love, self-worth conversation with my mom. I wish I had had the conversation with my daughter. I suppose it’s not too late. I feel like I’m finally learning.
Me, too! For me, the best way has been to learn about and heal these parts. That way, I can show a different way though actions 😉
Love this post. I used to hold on to friends even when things had been off for years, out of guilt and misplaced loyalty. I've learned that endings have to happen to move us into expansion and alignment. Natural friendship changes about every seven years is accurate in my experience. I finally understand it's natural and nothing to fight against. No hard feelings, just freedom.
Thank you, Jennifer! Some of us hang onto friendships, like we do romantic relationships 🙃 so I get it! It’s all a lesson in balance, right? Like relationships are important, but not more important than self respect.
At the same time, there are people I have met online who truly feel like friends too, just on a different level. Perhaps I feel that way because I'm a product of the 60s :-)
This is a very thoughtful and beautiful post. I ask myself who the people are that I call friends, the ones I share secrets with, and they with me. Looking back, many of them are from my Cuban times or my early years in the US, though I have made a few real friends in the town where I live now. For me, real-life communication is very important. It may not happen right now, but it must have happened at some point...
Muchas gracias, Teresa 🙏🏽
So, I agree, and there seems to be something about those early friendships that stick. I think it’s because we’re in a pure space where we’re not pretending.
As far as online friendships, there are some people who feel more like friends than in real life friendships, and when I do meet them in person, it proves to be true.
I have almost no IRL friends left. Maybe the hard of hearing introverted hermit I've become (Consciously? Subconsciously?) has something to do with this. But every so often, I wonder what I'm missing. I think I'd like to have a meaningful conversation with someone about Stoicism sitting at a table sipping adult beverages and eating delicious tacos.
Also, who are you telling not to overthink things? 🤪♎⚖️
Happy Gemini season. ♊👬
Well, then I'm your girl. We need to have a North American meetup, so we can do just that lol
And I am definitely a kettle calling a pot black lmao
Gracias, mi amiga de WP!¡ I am embodying the season ♊️ 💟
Another great post. Growing up, we were taught "family first" and having "friends" was discouraged for a number of reasons too lengthy to get into as a comment. 😁 Totally resonate with taking years to finally see that the lack of reciprocity, being the "convenient" friend and that continually enduring other's behaviours just because of so many years was only hurting me. Once I started cutting certain "friends" off, it became easier and easier. Quality over the quantity of years...no brainer.
“NO BRAINER”‼️
And thank you 🙏🏽
I felt so much of this! And thanks for the pause for my visualization exercise.
I really needed this note quote about it being natural for friendships to end every seven years.
lol I just didn’t want it to elude y’all lol
Thank you for affirming this. Franco’s work liberated me in so many ways!
Friendships can be tricky. Although it shouldn't be a tit for tat, reciprocation is important.
A friend may not exchange favors exactly in the same situation or expertise that you are willing to do for them, but eventually tell if a friendship is almost past expiration is when the excuses outweigh the favors by a landslide. Friendships are about connection, and favors are not something that I would put as a hard requirement, but what puts the nail in the coffin is when a friend gaslights you every time you express your emotions.
Totally agree with all of this @younghock2 !
Absolutely no to favors and no to gaslighting!
I love what you say about recognizing that everyone doesn’t “friend” the same way. We should notice qualities that we value in others.
Beautiful post KE and one that resonates deeply. Thank you for this writing. "It is an inherent characteristic many adoptees share. We want to fit in. We want to belong, so we volunteer to be the bridge that folks walk over.” That is a powerful truth!
Thank you, Lisa ♥️