’Til Death Do You Part

Pondering my 29th wedding anniversary

When I first thought about getting a divorce, my friend, Dr. Davis affirmed my decision and said something so poignant that I’ve shared it with everyone I know: ’Til death do you part made sense when errbody died in their 40s.

The thought still makes me laugh; however, it turns out this is more than a comical one-liner.

Recently Dr. Laura L. Carstensen, professor of psychology, affirmed what my friend said via a Hidden Brain episode. She has spent much of her career conducting research on the theoretical and empirical study of motivational, cognitive, and emotional aspects of aging.¹ In simpler terms, she’s studied happiness and aging. At the very end of this episode, Carstensen briefly addressed a listener’s question about a new phenomenon called “gray divorce,” which is a divorce that occurs after the age of 50 following a long-term marriage.²

Carstensen said that, in part, dissolution of marriage at this phase is happening due to people living longer and revisioning a future post-midlife. She says this can be attributed to perceived time horizons, the amount of time people intuit that they have until they die. Time horizons used to be short: You lived, worked, retired, and died, by the age of about 50 or 60. However, time horizons have expanded over the last 20 years and so have lifestyle possibilities for elders.³

According to Carstensen, folks who think they are about to die, do not get divorced, but those who perceive themselves as having longer time horizons? Well, they’re heading to the courthouse, chile.⁴ If you think you’re going to live another 30 years, you understand there is more to life than the decisions you made when you were one step out of adolescence. If you married during your 20s, you may suddenly realize you don’t have to continue trudging down a path called ’til death do you part.

Know what else? Dr. Carstensen’s studies show people in their 20s don’t even think about the future as a real thing; it’s pretty much inconceivable. My life experiences align with her findings. At the age of 23, I stood at an altar in front of family, friends, and God, promising to love my husband forever. Forever, forever ever? Forever ever?⁵ Today, such an important promise seems absurd. What did I know about forever?

SO, AS I PONDER ON BEING MARRIED FOR 29 YEARS, HERE’S MY ADVICE:

If you wanna get married, go ahead, but realize that the average life expectancy for a woman and man in the United States is 74-80 years old.⁶ If you marry in your 20s, that’s enough time to have one or two long-term marriages or one marriage and a few self-exploration phases or zero marriages and a lifetime of wandering. And there should be no shame in choosing either of these decisions or anything else you conjure. Do you, boo.

If you marry in your 20s, it’s more likely you’ll stay wedded until your prefrontal cortex develops or until you wake up and realize you may have outgrown your previous commitment. For some, what you originally thought was “forever” may have simply been a spontaneous notion, like a tattoo.

Furthermore, it’s a scientific reality that young adults process information differently than middle-aged people or elders. These biological shifts should be acknowledged as a part of aging. It should be natural to reflect, think critically, and reimagine life at varied stages. Twenty-year-old-you may not want what 30-year-old-you wants. Future decisions may look different than current circumstances and changing one’s mind should be encouraged. Once again, shame shouldn’t be attached to any decision.

If you are like my husband, who believes a lifetime commitment is more than a concept, then you may agree with his logic: he’d rather figure things out with me because at least he knows “what type of crazy I am.” After offending the hell out of me, he explained further. He’d rather work it out ten times with me, than be in these streets trying to figure something out with ten women, an idea he heard while listening to men on YouTube. For some, ten relationships might sound fun and experiential. For others, this arrangement may equal heightened anxiety. Again, I advocate for whatever floats your proverbial boat. We should learn to hold space for all possibilities, not just the one someone preaches from a pulpit.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

My or my husband’s physical death is not the goalpost for the death of our marriage. Our marriage will cease to exist when we believe we’ve exhausted the possibilities of relating to one another. And if it coincides with either of our actual deaths then trust me, it will have been a coincidence.

1. Laura L. Carstensen. Stanford Center on Longevity. https://longevity.stanford.edu/people-2/laura-carstensen/

2. Kendra Cherry. “Why So Many Older Couples Are Falling Victim to the Gray Divorce Phenomenon,” VeryWell, September 10, 2024. https://www.verywellmind.com/gray-divorce-8646068

3. Carstensen.

4. Carstensen.

5. Yes, I quoted Outkast’s “Ms. Jackson,” October 3, 2000.

6. “What Is the Life Expectancy in the U.S.?” Kent State Online, January 18, 2024. https://onlinedegrees.kent.edu/college-of-public-health/community/life-expectancy-and-public-health#:~:text=In%202022%2C%20U.S.%20life%20expectancy,a%20considerable%20role%20in%20longevity.